Let’s face it, Christmas changes for all of us through the years. It would actually be sort of absurd for us to think that it could always stay the same, but I’ve been guilty of exactly that. Now, we could view these changes as either a good thing or bad thing; it all depends on how we choose to frame our thoughts as well as how we follow through with our actions. Remaining neutral and going with the flow is another option, and it’s definitely better than focusing on the negative, but finding some positivity always proves to be for the best. For example, when I realized things would be a bit different for me this Christmas, my first reaction was that of disappointment and resistance. Due to certain family members’ supplementary obligations and commitments, the decision was made to gather my side of the family together to celebrate “Christmas” three days prior. My initial rebuffing thoughts were something like: What?! We’ve never done that before! We can’t change Christmas! It’s Christmas, after all!
I fretted over the possibility of this being the first year since my son was born that I might not actually see him and spend time with him on Christmas Day. Plus, my mother is getting up in age and my stepfather has had a rough year, health-wise, so it didn’t seem fair, to me, to push them aside (in a sense) on Christmas Day. For years my wife and I have had “Christmas” with her side of the family on Christmas Eve, leaving Christmas Day open for us to spend with my side of the family. But, now, for the first time in my life, there won’t be the traditional “Christmas” on Christmas Day that I’ve been used to for so long with my side of the family.
Looking back, Christmas has always had a tendency to go through some changes from year to year; some years more drastically than others for various reasons: the death of a loved one, the birth of a child, a new relationship, a breakup, a marriage, a divorce, an illness etc. But, for some reason, the changes this year have caused me to reflect more on the Christmases of my past as well as to wonder about the Christmases in my future. It’s brought about thoughts of not just myself, but others as well and what they might be going through or dealing with this time of year. As wonderful and joyous as Christmas can be for many, it can be just as dreadful and depressing for scores of others.
The Christmases of my youth were absolutely incredible. I cannot remember a single Christmas as a child where my brother or I were ever disappointed. Quite to the contrary, we were always surprised and overjoyed. I remember not being able to sleep the night before. Waiting for Christmas morning from my bed seemed to last an eternity as the butterflies of excitement in my stomach gnawed, incessantly, at my nervous system and my mind raced at the thrilling possibilities Christmas morning might bring. It was a natural high that will live within my memory until the day I die.
I have fond memories of getting out of school for Christmas break and spending those days off decorating and shopping with my mother. She would have my brother and I help set up and decorate the Christmas tree as well as the rest of the house. As we got older, she would take us out to the local Christmas tree farm and we would cut down the very best tree we could find and haul it home to be enjoyed throughout the season. To this day, the smell of a fresh-cut Christmas tree in a house conjures up pleasant Christmas memories for me. Before their divorce, my mother and father would exchange all of their “Christmas” with each other on Christmas Eve, but they usually held out a special gift to give each other on Christmas morning. My brother and I were allowed to open only one gift on Christmas Eve, which was usually underwear, socks or some other form of clothing, and all of the big stuff had to wait until Christmas morning.
Our father struggled with showing us love and affection while we were children, but making sure our Christmases were filled with joy and a sense of magical wonder was his own way of letting us know just how much we meant to him and that he, indeed, loved us very much. He was not a wealthy man, by any means, and I now realize that he took on unnecessary debt to make Christmas as grand as he did for us. He did more than he should have, but I will be forever grateful for all of those wonderful Christmas memories he and my mother created for us.
Unfortunately, not everyone shares such fond memories. There are some horrendous evils in this world and sometimes they are experienced by innocent and unsuspecting people and children. A troublesome or anguished past is difficult to let go of, but holding onto its pain can be detrimental. If you find yourself in a desperate or overwhelming battle with depression, please reach out for help. If you can’t reach out to family or friends, reach out to a professional group or organization.
As for me, I am not depressed or suicidal, but Christmas has lost some of its magic. Over time, I’ve noticed that I have developed a bit of a lackluster attitude toward the holiday. Is it because I’ve tried to hold onto the traditions of Christmases past? The family I grew up with becomes smaller each passing year. I have no grandparents (or great-grandparents, for that matter) on either side of my family that are still alive. My father passed away a few years ago. My brother has a family of his own with their own expanding holiday traditions. I rarely, if ever, see any of my aunts or uncles anymore (a couple of them have passed on in recent years) or my cousins; as with my brother, they all have their own families and holiday traditions. Or is it because my son is no longer a small child and instead of wishing for toys on Christmas he’s hoping more for a good score on his SAT’s? Or is it because the older I get, the harder time I have focusing on the spirit of giving rather than the corporate greed and the over-commercialization of it all? My guess is that it’s a combination of all these things and possibly more. What I do know, is that I have no control over these things and I can’t keep any of them from happening or being. The only thing that I have any power over at all, is myself.
In order to change my attitude, I believe I must go back to those thoughts and actions and seeking out the positive I mentioned earlier; even if the positive is something that has to be created on my own. Change, more often than not, is unwelcome. We’re far more content carrying on from within our comfort zone. Change, oftentimes, means we are being forced to adapt to something different or new against our wishes. Hence the saying, no one likes change.
When changes do come our way, we have a choice: we can fight them or we can accept them. Depending on the type of change, either way could be the correct course of action, but for the purposes of this post, we will focus on the latter. I don’t believe that the acceptance of change should always equal sentiments of loss or failure. If we’re able to frame our thoughts in a more positive way we might be able to benefit from, or create, an opportunity (take action) that would, otherwise, not have been available to us. As with my example of Christmas being a bit different for me this year, I was faced with a choice. I could take the negative route and resist the change in any number of ways that may do more harm than good, or I can accept the change and seek out the positive in it; maybe even discover some new opportunities that may not have been available to me before. I have chosen to seek out the positive.
As for my mounting cynicism toward the holiday, itself, I’ve had to find ways to reframe my thoughts and ultimately change my course(s) of action. Yes, the traditions of Christmases past are gone, but they are not forgotten and some of them continue to live on within me. Loved ones from my childhood may not be around as they used to be (for various reasons), but though their numbers have diminished in one way, they continue to grow in other ways with new relationships, spouses and in-laws, children and grandchildren (therein lies the potential for multiple and wondrous Christmas opportunities). And, even though the holidays have become an over-commercialized, corporate money-making circus of greed and consumer debt – when the faces of excitement and joy, both young and old, fill the hearts of the gift-givers and the gift-receivers, and the wrapping paper becomes shredded bits and pieces scattered across the floor – all of that, somehow, tends to fade away.
I think we focus mostly on ourselves for so much of our lives that we tend to forget where real, meaningful and long-lasting joy comes from – it comes from spending time with, and doing for, others. I remember there used to be a DJ on the radio who would say to people who won concert tickets, “Congratulations, you just won two tickets, because only one ticket would suck.” He was being humorous, but there is some truth in his statement. It’s not that there is anything wrong with being alone and enjoying it as such. But many times it’s far more enjoyable and rewarding to share special moments and experiences with others; especially on special occasions and holidays. Many people forget about certain friends and acquaintances of theirs (even elderly family members) who will be alone for Christmas. Make it a point to remember them and, possibly, others who may be facing the hopelessness and despair of a Christmas all by themselves.
If I ever do find myself alone during a special occasion or especially during the holidays, I hope I’ll remember to take some sort of action and find ways to be a part of something bigger than me, rather than sit at home moping about until the day has passed. If I’m too old and feeble to get out and about, I hope someone, somewhere will think about me and the many others in the same situation and be generous enough to go a bit out of their way to share around some of their holiday cheer. In fact, this is something that I want to make time for while I’m healthy and able.
For now, I do have family and loved ones around, and even though we may not all be together on Christmas Day, we will be together within days of it, and spending time together is what is most important. This is something I don’t want to overlook and I definitely don’t want to take it for granted. Life can change quickly and unexpectedly and you can’t spend time together after it’s too late. The change in plans for my side of the family’s Christmas this year leaves me room to think outside the box and to do something different; something that I probably would not be able to do, otherwise. Whatever I decide to do, it could have the potential of starting an entirely new Christmas tradition that will last beyond my years. Who knows?
So, enjoy the holidays and your families as much as you possibly can this season. And, if you’re able, try to set aside some time for those who may not be enjoying them very much at all. Time with others is an unwrappable gift for all involved to both give and receive simultaneously. Christmas really is what you make it.
At least, that’s my opinion.
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